What is IFS?

IFS, which stands for Internal Family Systems, is the foundation of my work. I stumbled across this body of work more than a decade ago and my entire life made more sense as a result. I have experienced tremendous healing with this modality and so have my clients. IFS is an evidence-based modality, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. This is a modality that was developed by a clinical psychotherapist, but make no mistake: there is room for so much magic which sometimes defies clinical explanations or even words.

Let’s dive a little deeper and I’ll explain more: 

IFS has two primary ideas: that everyone has parts, and that everyone has a Self.

The first key idea is that we are all made up of parts and that parts don’t always agree, or get along. Have you ever experienced wanting more than one thing, even when it didn’t “make sense?” Have you ever said, “Part of me feels like _____ but another part of me feels like _____?” Congratulations! You’re already understanding this aspect IFS. It is an intuitive modality that makes sense to almost everyone.

Instead of thinking about abstract ideas of emotions, such as anger or grief, we can think of them as parts. We do this all the time, without much thought. Do you ever change how you behave around someone, based on “how they seem?” Do you ever gauge how to tell someone a piece of news based on whether they are in a “good place” to receive it? Congratulations! Once again, you are already intuitively understanding IFS. Once we understand that we are oftentimes led by different parts of ourselves (and so is everyone else!), much of the world begins to make sense in a new way.

The second key idea is that everyone has a Self. The Self, for some, is analogous to the Soul or Higher Self. In my experience, it is the core essence of a person, the truest and deepest essence that is eternal. It cannot be harmed or damaged and holds immense wisdom. The Self always feels positively to every part and has no agenda. The Self regards each part with equal acceptance and curiosity. This is a big contrast to parts, which have agendas, judgments and not-always-positive feelings about each other.

The focus of the work we do in IFS is to differentiate. When we slow down, listen, and ask questions, we learn. We learn what is a part, and what is the Self. We learn why parts might feel as they do. Each part has an intelligence behind it and benign intentions for the overall system. As we learn to differentiate between the many voices, we start to see that where there was once a tangled knot of conflict, there’s actually a battle of parts who have different ideas about what’s best and how to move forward. 

Another focus of IFS work is unshaming. This happens naturally along the way. Think of it this way: When you are struggling, would you rather have someone stand beside you and berate you for what you haven’t done and all your failures OR would you rather have a cheerleader, encouraging you to keep trying and holding space for your feelings? While the first option can be motivating in the short-term, it is always damaging in the long-term. Shame is an absolutely toxic imprint and we end up carrying those words and feelings within ourselves for years. As an IFS practitioner, I hold a compassionate, curious, and non-judgmental space. This brings out the Self energy in both of us, which (over time) melts away the shame that you may be holding for simply being who you are. This is an unburdening and it bring immense lightness to the whole system. Parts are relieved to not carry such heavy weights and are liberated into their true forms.

This approach works internally and externally. Just as you wouldn’t shame, criticize, or judge a friend, but rather cheer them on and encourage them, so too will this approach work with the parts within you.

So, just to recap: You have parts and you have a Self. Parts are the orchestra, the Self is the conductor. The Self can help the parts to make music together, instead of throwing things and banging on the drums all night (just me?). This approach works much better than many, many other approaches in creating change because most other approaches utilize shame to motivate you. It is possible to understand yourself, to release the burdens of shame, to reach a sense of peace within, and to live a more Self-led and satisfying life.

And this is just the beginning. We will have so much more to talk about and work through.

For my thoughts on therapy vs coaching, and how to decide which one is right for you, click HERE.

For the ways to work with me click HERE.